Accurate Expression: A DBT Strategy for Stronger Relationships

One of the most powerful communication strategies in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a skill called Accurate Expression. This phrase, coined by DBT expert Alan Fruzzetti, emphasizes speaking clearly, directly, and truthfully—without distortion or unnecessary intensity.

When we practice Accurate Expression, we’re not just “saying what’s on our mind.” We’re choosing words that reflect our true experience and communicate it in a way that others can actually hear. It asks us to slow down, notice what we are really feeling, and then put that into words as clearly and specifically as possible. Instead of saying, “you never listen to me,” accurate expression might sound like:

“I felt hurt last night when I was sharing about my day and you were also on your phone. Can I have your full attention for a few minutes? I really would like to talk through something that happened earlier.”

Done well, this creates space for validation—that feeling of being understood—which is one of the cornerstones of any healthy relationship.

Why Accurate Expression Matters

Relationships often break down when what we say doesn’t match what we mean. For example:

• Saying “I’m fine” when you’re really upset.

• Expressing anger when what you actually feel is disappointment.

• Avoiding conversations to prevent conflict.

  
  

Each of these examples involves inaccurate expression, and they can leave the other person confused, defensive, or disconnected. In DBT terms, this gets in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness—the skill set that helps us build and maintain strong relationships.

Accurate Expression, on the other hand, bridges this gap. It helps others understand not just the words you’re saying, but the truth behind them.

The Dialectical Balance

Like many DBT skills, Accurate Expression is rooted in Dialectics: the idea that two seemingly opposite truths can both exist.

For example:

• You can feel hurt and still care about the person who hurt you.

• You can need support and still be strong.

  
  

Accurate Expression honors both sides. Instead of exaggerating or minimizing your experience, you share it as it really is. This creates room for connection and collaboration rather than misunderstanding.

Accurate Expression in Leadership

Accurate Expression isn’t just for personal relationships—it’s essential in leadership. Leaders who practice this skill model Wise Mind, that balanced state where logic and emotion work together.

For example:

• A CEO who says, “I’m stressed about our timeline, and I also believe in the team’s ability to deliver” communicates both urgency and trust.

• A manager who admits, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m committed to finding a solution” builds authenticity and credibility.

  
  

When leaders communicate in this way, they foster psychological safety, reduce reactivity, and strengthen team trust.

Practical Tips for Accurate Expression

To practice Accurate Expression effectively, consider these practical tips:

1. Pause Before Speaking: Take a moment to reflect on your feelings. What do you really want to communicate?

   
   

2. Use “I” Statements: Frame your thoughts from your perspective. For example, say “I feel…” instead of “You make me feel…”.

   
   

3. Be Specific: Instead of vague statements, provide clear examples. This helps the listener understand your experience better.

   
   

4. Stay Calm: If emotions run high, take a deep breath. Calmness can help you express yourself more clearly.

   
   

5. Invite Dialogue: Encourage the other person to share their perspective. This creates a two-way conversation.

   
   

The Takeaway

Accurate Expression is a deceptively simple but powerful tool: say what you mean, in a way that reflects your true inner experience. It opens the door for validation, builds trust, and supports healthier, more effective relationships—whether at home, at work, or in leadership.

✨ Want to dive deeper? Explore our Glossary of Leadership & DBT Terms to see how skills like Validation, Dialectics, and Interpersonal Effectiveness connect to everyday challenges.