Self-Soothing: A Guide to Calming Your Nervous System In Times You Need It

Before we jump in, there is one disclaimer we need to get out of the way. Self soothing is a very personal experience. What feels calming/grounding/soothing to one person may be completely different for someone else. Knowing just how personal this skill is, we give you full permission to take what follows in this guide as a jumping off point, and encourage you to make it your own.

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we teach self-soothing in the distress tolerance module as part of the "crisis survival skills", which essentially are a set of skills all aimed at helping people feel more resourced during challenging times. By learning these skills, we can find alternative ways of coping with high intensity moments, without making things worse.

What we know about our physiology is that when emotions get high, our cognitive flexibility shuts down. How we see things can become distorted and our options for responding become limited. So, instead of focusing on tools to change the way we are thinking in times of distress, because that's a tall task thanks to our biology, a different in route is to turn our attention to the body and use our senses as a way to help settle our nervous system, buy ourselves some time and then proceed on with what's needed in the moment.

Self-soothing is not about escaping reality. It’s about tuning in to our senses to have a momentary reprieve so that we can then respond, more effectively. It’s the art of offering yourself gentleness, and the gift of doing something different, so we can step out of unhelpful patterns and responses that make things worse.

Why Self-Soothing Works

Self-soothing taps directly into the parts of the brain responsible for emotional arousal and regulation. When we intentionally bring in comforting sensory experiences, it sends signals through the nervous system letting the body know that we're safe which then gives it permission to start turning off or turning down the alarm systems.

Self soothing as its taught in distress tolerance can be used as a momentary aid to navigate peak emotional moments AND over time, incorporating regular self-soothing practices, when we're not in distress, helps you:

• Reduce vulnerability factors that makes you susceptible to strong emotions

• Strengthen your ability to stay present

• Feel more resourced

• Break cycles of reactivity

• Build internal trust

This skill is particularly powerful for people who are high-achieving, highly responsible, or constantly “on”, i.e. leaders, founders, creatives, parents, because it acts as a direct buffer between the incessant demands of life and your emotional bandwidth.

The Six Senses Framework

To practice self-soothing, choose a comforting activity from any (or several) of the six senses:

➤ Vision

Soothing imagery, lighting, colors, aesthetics, or visual experiences.

➤ Hearing

Sounds, music, tones, and audio environments that regulate and calm.

➤ Smell

Scents that evoke calm, grounding, nostalgia, or warmth.

➤ Taste

Flavors that are comforting, steadying, or sensory-rich.

➤ Touch

Textures, temperatures, or physical sensations that soothe.

➤ Movement

Moving the body in ways that feel calming and regulating.

The key is personalization and accessibility. Focusing in on the things that are uniquely soothing to you and doing what's accessible, right here, right now, is the way to go.

Your Self-Soothe Toolkit Builder

Below is a customizable table you can fill in with ideas for each sense. The goal is to create a personal menu so that when stress hits, you don’t have to think, you can come right here and pick something to practice, now.

DBT SELF-SOOTHE MENU

Sense	Ideas That Soothe Me	Where I Can Access This (Home, Work, Car, Phone)
Vision	e.g., soft lighting, nature videos, favorite photos, design images, tidy space	Look at photo album saved on my phone, go look at the view, keep favorite painting in office by my desk
Hearing	e.g., calming playlist, rain sounds, sound bowls, familiar voices, silence	Turn on playlist, listen to a podcast, grab noise cancelling headphones
Smell	e.g., lavender, eucalyptus, a forest, cologne, tea aromas	Keep favorite scent in the office
Taste	e.g., coffee, hard candy, warm tea, dark chocolate, something crunchy	Keep hard candy in car
Touch	e.g., soft blanket, weighted item, warm bath, cold stone, lotion, cozy clothing	Wear favorite clothing before a big meeting, pet dog
Movement	e.g., gentle stretching, rocking, walking, yoga, floating, jumping	Jump on mini trampoline in between conversations, go for brisk walk

How to Use Your Toolkit in Real Time

When distress rises:

1. Pause. Take a few slow, long exhales. Find your menu.

2. Choose one sense and props needed to activate soothing.

3. Engage fully. Bring your full awareness to the sensory experience.

4. Stay for 1 - 3 - 5 minutes. This is the window where your nervous system shifts from activation towards regulation.

5. Repeat or stack on different senses: Vision + smell. Sound + touch. Taste + Movement. Combination intensifies the effect.

6. Come back as needed.

   
   

When Self-Soothing Helps Most

Self-soothing is particularly powerful when you:

• Feel overwhelmed by emotion

• Are on the verge of reacting impulsively

• Are carrying tension from work, relationships, or transitions

• Feel disconnected from your body or present moment

• Need a gentle reset after conflict, overthinking, or burnout

• Want to reconnect to your inner steadiness before making a decision

And, as noted, we can actively build in self soothing to our day to day life for preventative effects.

A Note on Self-Compassion

For many people, offering themselves soothing or comfort can feel unfamiliar, or even, uncomfortable. If that’s you, start small. Notice a piece of art that you enjoy, let yourself acknowledge what emotions it evokes. Or, focus on one piece of music that settles you, notice what that feels like. Be with it. You're allowed to feel comforted.

Self-soothing isn’t self-indulgence. It’s self-supportive. And it builds the foundation for feeling more resilient as you move throughout the world. We're wired for soothing we just sometimes fall out of it as we age or life gets more demanding. So hopefully today you can start to reincorporate self soothing into your repertoire of skills. Copy and paste our menu above and curate it to really suit and soothe you.

How do you self soothe?

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Want to learn more about this skill? Tune into Episode 7 of the Skills Podcast for a full walk through and ways to implement the skill. https://www.youtube.com/@onpointpractice